lizhuetts: speaking of my dads facebook statuses...

speaking of my dads facebook statuses here’s some good ones of his:

“Dear 14 year old on facebook, Its complicated? Really? Sincerely, Did he steal your pencils?”

“Well today the beard came off. I sobbed and I’m cold.”

“Dear Facebookers, If you want to cry, use tissue paper to wipe your tears, not your facebook status. Thanks a million…..Jason.”

“I am seriously in love with Tom Brady. I’d dry hump his leg anytime.”

“I wake up every morning and piss excellence.”

“Last night my neighbors kept me up with their headboard banging. Finally I yelled “The guy last night made her scream louder!!” That shut them up.”

“Well folks, after many, many painstaking hours of thought, I’ve finally come to a conclusion…… I’m awesome. And you aren’t.”

“You never know what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.”

“I remember now that trying to work things out with a ex is like feeding a dead dog. A complete waste of my time. Back to doing me again, when I was happy.”

“Men are awesome. In fact, I wish I was gay most the time, I cld totally see myself dating myself.”

“Is it still illegal to shoot people in the face with a bazooka?”

“I am going to change my voicemail message to: Please hang up and text me.”

“My love life is like my iPHONE 4G. I don’t have a iPHONE 4G.”

“I just noticed that my father has a picture of a cat as his screen saver on his cell. I’m worried.”

“Don’t wake up in a roadside ditch.”

“If I give you a great big straw, will you go suck the fun outta someone else’s day?”

“Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

“Eww, seriously, that is so gross”

“Day 4 of being sick. Pretty awesome. I didn’t think a cold cld be awesome, but it is inside my body.”

“I don’t like chocolate. I am however going to buy myself a rose.”